Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] This week in my coaching conversations, I had the same conversation, like literally almost verbatim, the same conversation with three high performing women about prospects, people on their team or customers that had gone quiet during the conversation. Now here's what had actually happened. They were having really great conversations. They were following the system, they thought they were doing all the things, they were getting all of the right signals and, and then all of a sudden nothing.
[00:00:29] And you know what that feels like. You're constantly checking the messages. Do they respond? Did they respond? Did they respond? And nobody really likes to be there. So what begins to happen is if you are not careful, if you have not learned why they're actually quiet, you can misdiagnose the situation and you can rewrite the ending in a way that doesn't serve you or them.
[00:00:54] I mean, you know what happens? Somebody doesn't call you back, somebody doesn't write you back and you begin to immediately either go and fight flight or Fawn.
[00:01:03] And so if you're me, you're going to fight.
[00:01:07] I am always, I'm always going to fight. And if I only if I go to flight is because I really don't want to engage in fight. But that is my go to. I am like unguard, let's take out the sword. I will fight you about anything that I do not feel safe about out. But other people go quiet, right?
[00:01:29] So what we see is that, or what I was actually seeing in my clients were of various degrees of fight, fight or flaw or fawn.
[00:01:39] So it was things like they don't really want it or I'm not going to waste my time anymore or it's not really that big of a decision. I mean, they should be able to make the decision. They, they don't really want it or just things like, yeah, I didn't get a response and like that was the end of it. Or screw them, not worth my time. They don't really want it, by the way, all things that we talked about in the last episode. So I want you to go back, if you use those phrases, I want you to go back to the last podcast episode and I want you to really listen in to those terms and what they mean.
[00:02:12] But here's what I want you to know, because I used to feel the same way too. The prospect didn't actually see say no. And I want you to think about that. I want you to think about every conversation in your head where someone did not respond, the conversation went dark. And I want you to ask yourself, what exactly did I tell myself the Meaning of that quiet was because in actuality, the prospect never said no. If they had said no, the conversation at least would have ended.
[00:02:47] If the prospect just went quiet, why is it that we can't just notice that without creating an ending?
[00:02:57] That if the prospect just went quiet, wouldn't it be better to know, and the answer is yes, why that happened and what to do instead? But what you need to start to reframe is that quiet is not no.
[00:03:14] No response is not no.
[00:03:18] Silence is not a verdict. And it is almost never.
[00:03:24] 99.9% of the time, it is never what you think. But understanding the silence is only half of what we need to talk about today. Because the real question is, and honestly, the real opportunity for growth for you as a leader, as a leader in sales is what it's asking of you.
[00:03:45] And here's the reframe. When a prospect goes quiet, when a team member stops responding, that silence is not telling you no or step back, it's actually doing the opposite. It's telling you to lean in.
[00:04:03] Quiet is the new cue for lead.
[00:04:08] Lead.
[00:04:09] So here's what's happening when your prospect goes quiet.
[00:04:12] Something happened in the conversation where all of the sudden her nervous system interpreted something as dangerous. So her primal brain isn't passing information through, and her primal brain is basically saying, like, not relevant. Ignore this.
[00:04:36] So the other thing is, you understand is that this isn't happening consciously. Like, your prospect isn't sitting down and making a list of pros and cons.
[00:04:46] Her primal brain is running that threat assessment in her head before her rational mind is even engaged.
[00:04:55] So they start to ask things like, what if this cost me money that I can't recover?
[00:05:01] What if my friends think I'm stupid? What if I commit to something and I can't follow through?
[00:05:07] What if I'm disappointed? Again, if the ask feels larger than the safety that was built up in the relationship, that's when the conversation stops.
[00:05:24] It's a safety issue.
[00:05:26] It's not because she decided no.
[00:05:30] It is because her nervous system moved into protection mode.
[00:05:34] Silence is what protection mode looks like from the outside.
[00:05:40] Now, here's a really interesting part and the part we're going to fix.
[00:05:44] What do most people do? Well, it goes in one of two directions. They say things like, you know, they didn't want to bet enough, it's their loss, all that kind of good stuff, right? Or they go quiet themselves, which is a nervous system response to their no response. And here's the rub.
[00:06:06] Both of those things actually close a door that Was still open.
[00:06:12] You both now are sitting in silence and nobody's doing a dang thing.
[00:06:18] So what is the silence actually telling you? Because it's actually telling you something. And it's typically one of three things. The first is that the step was just too large. They got excited. They were open. Yes, yes, yes. Let's go, let's go, let's go. And then the thing that you said was the next step, it just felt too big.
[00:06:37] So there's a gap between she's interested and she's ready.
[00:06:42] And when I talk to my coaching clients, everybody says, yes, they're interested. They were so interested. Oh, my gosh, they're so interested. What nobody is actually looking for is. But are they ready? So it's definitely not an interest gap. It's a safety gap. She is interested. The ask just felt bigger than the trust between the two of you. Now, the second also is trust.
[00:07:08] The trust just isn't fully there yet. This happens a lot when you're taking a conversation from, like, an online conversation to, like, a DM to a phone call. We tend to move very quickly. Sometimes we move too quickly. And even though we think somebody is quote, unquote interested, hey, let's get on. A phone call is a ready step, and they're not ready yet. Here's what I want you to know that you need to, like, hands down, the only way to survive in sales, y', all, is to understand that people aren't sitting there waiting for you to sell them something. That the road is paved with small, safe conversations that build safety and evidence over time.
[00:08:02] It is almost never, y'. All. It's never one meeting.
[00:08:07] It's never one phone call. It's never one text. Third, the timing's just genuinely off. Something happened in her life. I know that we like to think that our product or service, our thing is the most important to them. It's not. A lot of things are going on in their life at any point in time. It could be a family situation, it could be a financial concern. It could be a deadline at work. It could be. But the silence has nothing to do with. No, none of these are actually a closed door. And the problem is we don't understand it. So what do we do? We go over and we slam that door shut. Now we've closed the door with our silence to their silence. So metaphorically, if the door is closed, really what you need to understand is what's the key that's going to open that back up? And once you understand the key, this just Becomes infinitely meaningful, infinitely fun, and infinitely impactful.
[00:09:08] I'll show you what I mean.
[00:09:11] This week, one of my women that I have been coaching had a prospect who went quiet. Now, I gotta tell you, this prospect couldn't have exhibited more interest if they tried. Including, which she told me, getting on a phone call at like 10 o' clock at night for like two hours with a top seller in their organization, a top leader in their organization, that is real interest. We can all agree that is real interest. But when it came to actually closing the person, we. They just couldn't get there. So we tried to reframe the conversation. We went back to the primal brain. It was like, go back to the reason that they originally. Look, let's listen. We lost something in the primal brain. Like, that's what we know for sure.
[00:09:56] That problem starts with the primal brain. We were talking about next steps, which are facts. That person needed to be still addressed in the primal brain. Remember, the primal brain is the first phase of decision making when it comes to what the brain has to do to say yes to a sale. If you don't get past the primal brain, if you don't make it relevant, if the brain doesn't think it's safe, they literally ignore everything else. So what's really interesting to me, sorry, I digressed here a minute. Is that you all think, many of us think like, oh, well, they're ignoring me. No, friend, they're not actually even registering your text. Like, literally, it's not getting through.
[00:10:38] So we tried a couple of things. We got some marginal results, but they still didn't amount to anything.
[00:10:44] And then we just reduced the step.
[00:10:48] We went back to.
[00:10:50] So what if the next best step would be to just actually try the product? Because at this point in time, we had been talking business, business, business. They were like, yeah, yeah, yeah, let's go, I'm gonna go for it. But we never really got the person on the product. And then we coupled it with the what would have to be true question.
[00:11:13] So it was maybe a better first step.
[00:11:16] Well, I think actually what she said was, at this point in time, I think a really good next step would be for you to just try the product.
[00:11:26] And it was like it addressed several things, y'. All. It was a lower entry point.
[00:11:32] They didn't have to make a big commitment beyond just trying the product.
[00:11:38] There was no, how does this work? How am I going to get ahead? How am I going to make money? All, all of those questions very much can feel unsafe to the primal brain. It was just Simply, let's just get you on the product and surprise, surprise, within a very short amount of time, and I mean very short amount of time, she gets a reply back. And he says, great, let's go ahead and try the product. And then he goes on to say, and I actually really want my mom to try it because she has such and such and such a problem. But wait, there's more. Then he goes on to say, and if this works out for her, she would be someone that I'd want to be on my team because I want her to do this with me as a side hustle.
[00:12:26] So, hello, he was anything but. No, he was majorly super interested. Nobody goes that far down the path of next steps that isn't really interested. There was just something unconsciously. And this is what I want you to know.
[00:12:48] Your job is not to play Inspector Clouseau. I'm not asking you to go and try to figure out, like, what was the part that was too big for them and why didn't they? It's like, listen, it's really very simple. Silence means lean in.
[00:13:05] Lean in means observe, maybe lessen the next step. There is no, like, oh, we got to analyze. Like, listen, that's way overthinking this, Way overthinking this. And this is what I mean by when you're good at sales, you're actually good at leading everything. I described that nervous system response, the protection mode, that silence, that's the prospect's experience, right?
[00:13:36] But as a savvy leader, as a relational salesperson, as someone who understands the goal is safe conversations, when you lean into your leadership, when you understand that your goal as a leader is to hold the space in the silence.
[00:13:57] And this honestly and truly is the beauty of sales leadership. And I don't just mean like, oh, you lead a team.
[00:14:04] I mean, like being a leader, someone who provides perspective, someone who provides influence, someone who's going to stay there and say and do the things, the right next things, when things get scary or quiet, the things that make everyone else uncomfortable.
[00:14:26] The leader is the person who leans in.
[00:14:29] The leader is the person that holds space for the continuance of the conversation.
[00:14:37] Because what ends up happening is most people are like, well, I'm in a holding pattern.
[00:14:42] I'm in a holding pattern, like. And I would say that's actually the best scenario.
[00:14:47] The first scenario is typically like, well, screw them. The second scenario is, well, I'm waiting on them. You are not in a holding pattern when you understand that the silence is simply a pause and that Your reach out, your next reach out does not need to do anything except stay present and create space. Safety. See, most people in silence try to get the person to take the same next big step.
[00:15:21] What I'm asking you to do is like, okay, I recognize that I didn't get a response. I'm now going to create low pressure, low stakes next steps and understand that the goal is not to move her forward to a decision.
[00:15:39] The goal is to give her nervous system one small new piece of evidence that you emphasize that you are safe.
[00:15:50] Leaders, influence. We've all heard that before. But what does that actually mean in sales? It means that, well, I would say in other places it means that you create safe environments for the right conversations.
[00:16:03] It means that you don't assume.
[00:16:06] It means that you get curious.
[00:16:09] And it means that you're always going to provide perspective when it would be easier to just duck out. I talk a lot about being the leader that she's never had. I want you to think about someone who's stuck, and I want you to think about being the person who's always willing to offer perspective when nobody else will.
[00:16:32] I'm going to say it again. Leadership is influence. And influence is the willingness to provide a perspective, especially when the other person is too close to their own fear to see it clearly. And here's what's more.
[00:16:48] She's waiting without knowing she's waiting. That prospect is waiting for someone to come in and say, hey, here's what I see. Here's what I think is going on.
[00:17:01] Maybe that next step that I suggested isn't the right next step.
[00:17:06] What if we did this first?
[00:17:09] What would have to be true in order for that step to feel safe?
[00:17:16] And guess who that someone is.
[00:17:18] That's you.
[00:17:20] If you're willing. I mean, I want you to think about the impact you can have in all these people's lives that you really want to change. And you're gonna have to learn to resist the waiting because people wait and they tell themselves they don't want to be pushy, and then they send these just checking in messages.
[00:17:41] And by the way, just checking in puts all of the work on the other person without trying to do it. That's actually what it does. And those just checking in messages as well as those ignoring them messages.
[00:17:57] That's not leadership.
[00:17:59] Waiting is not leadership. Avoiding is not leadership.
[00:18:04] Leadership is staying in the room, offering perspective. Not to push her toward a yes, but because you can see something she can't right now and you care enough to say it. And what I want to be really honest about is that this isn't just true with prospects.
[00:18:22] The same dynamic plays out on your team. Do you know that as a leader, a sales leader on your team, and in particular to my network marketing leaders out there, it is a privilege to actually lead a group of people who don't have to follow you. I mean, I want to be clear. You lead a volunteer army and it is so easy to say yes to things, but it's also very easy to say no to things when they get tough.
[00:18:52] Leaders provide perspective. The same dynamics play out in your team every single day. Leaders typically reach out to that quiet team member just once and then they tell themselves the stories. And that's typically why, by the way, you might do a reach out. Hey, I have a new perspective. I am doing something different now and I'm. They ghost you or they tell you no, but then they start to see you show up differently and now they're interested. Because what you did was you demonstrated safety. You demonstrated what it looked like between interested and ready, and you were still having a conversation with that person even though it wasn't a direct conversation, y'. All, that's the whole point of social media. You, it is to be having safe conversations, showing up in ways that other people look at and think, well, that seems pretty safe to do because your behavior is also a perspective.
[00:19:55] You're showing people what's possible without actually saying, hey, this is what's possible.
[00:20:01] And here's the other thing.
[00:20:03] The person who isn't waiting to be invited back into the conversation is the person who is leading and the leading person is the person who is winning. It's really interesting to me when I teach on sales and I coach leaders in sales that so many people do not understand.
[00:20:23] A reach out actually should have a series of conversations that follow. I like, honestly, you would be doing yourself a huge surface if you understood that, hey, I'm going to reach out to this person six or seven different times, not on the same day, not on the same week.
[00:20:46] But instead of creating a single reach out, I want you to think about creating a series of reach outs. Assuming that the first reach out is not going to get a response. What would happen? What would happen if you just looked at every first conversation as one of seven or eight that you need to have?
[00:21:08] So instead of thinking, I shot my shot and you know, they said no. So they don't really need it or want it. What if you changed your perspective? What if you truly understood that like that silence doesn't mean a Dang thing. And I won't know more until I lean in, until I have six or seven meaningful, small, safe conversations.
[00:21:32] And maybe it's going to be like I'm just continually reaching out and there's a difference. So one of my, one of my, one of my clients actually said, well, now I feel like I'm like pursuing them. And I'm like, okay, it only feels like you're pursuing them when you're trying to control their action.
[00:21:51] I'm going to say that again. It only feels like you're pursuing them when you're trying to control their action.
[00:21:58] It's really interesting, isn't it? And, and I think it's a good time to have a conversation around like so if we know, I, I always like to know, well, why do people do this? If you understand why most women don't lean in when they have been quote unquote ghosted, then you can actually help resolve it.
[00:22:20] Like the good news is it's resolvable because it's not a tactic issue. Like one of the things that I found is so many women just sign up for another class, another coaching program, another tactic, another this, another that. When the truth is this isn't a tactic problem.
[00:22:40] This is isn't a skill problem.
[00:22:43] Are you ready for it? It's a self worth problem.
[00:22:48] When your sense of whether you're good enough, whether you've done enough, whether you showed up enough, if is writing on whether the person says yes or no.
[00:23:00] You actually can't hold that leadership perspective because you two have jumped into fight or flight mode.
[00:23:10] You can't be so invested that you can't stay objective in the conversation because when you can't be objective, you can't create a good outcome.
[00:23:23] The silence becomes personal and now it becomes evidence because you're telling yourself, I'm not worth it, I'm not worthy, I'm not whatever. And then because nobody likes feeling like they're like they're not worth something. Like nobody likes that feeling of not feeling worth.
[00:23:45] No one likes that self worth place where you now feel convicted.
[00:23:53] And in order to resolve that feeling quickly, you either dismiss her or you disappear too.
[00:24:01] Meaning you disappear from the conversation.
[00:24:04] And offering perspective requires trust.
[00:24:08] You have to be building trust.
[00:24:11] You can clearly and easily offer perspective by saying things like here's what I see. You have to be willing to say here's what I see and be comfortable with her not responding. You have to be okay with a non response and not have it eat away at your self worth.
[00:24:29] You have to be willing to offer the next conversation anyway.
[00:24:34] So you cannot tie your self worth to a response. I want to just be clear. You don't have a follow up problem, you don't have a tactic problem.
[00:24:44] You have a self worth problem. And actually that's better news because that's completely fixable. And I say that not to get you in your head. I say it because it's actually better news than thinking like, I need another script.
[00:25:00] You know guys, scripts don't fix this. Self worth does.
[00:25:06] And again, if you're new to the podcast, I encourage you to go back and listen literally to the last two episodes where we really did dig deep into self worth and self confidence, especially for high performing women. Because when you know, not intellectually but like you feel it in your soul, when you know your worth, then you don't get diminished by every silence or every change. And then you're able to hold steady, be objective and offer perspective.
[00:25:45] You become the leader she's never had.
[00:25:48] So from now on, we're eliminating the phrase just checking in because we're all going to agree that carries absolutely no weight whatsoever and it provides no perspective. We are also eliminating, I want to see if you made a decision yet because that gets read as a threat. She doesn't want to make the decision and you are forcing her to make the decision and that just makes the silence louder. It's so simple. Do not overthink it. Perspective is just observing and naming and then creating a smaller next step. When you get this, this is what leadership looks like inside of a sales conversation. When you get this and you start modeling it, you create a leader culture. You create a culture that isn't closing harder, that isn't looking for perfect scripts. It actually liter lessens your load and other people's loads because they understand. Oh, there's the clue. Silence. Lean in off of perspective. We start with reach out and have six different conversations that you are going to follow up with.
[00:27:03] We anticipate that we are at some point probably going to trigger the nervous system.
[00:27:10] It happens to me. It happens every day to me. And I have been doing this for decades. The difference is I know how to handle it and can I be honest? I don't always.
[00:27:24] I would be lying to you if I don't have, if I told you I don't have a list of people on my prospect list, that conversation went dark and I was like, oh shoot, shoot. Okay, let me go do something else.
[00:27:39] So it takes practice. You're going to give yourself some grace. But when you come out of the other side, you are actually going to feel so good about how you show up in your business that showing up in your business actually brings you joy regardless of the outcomes.
[00:27:59] So if your heart felt something that hasn't felt in a while, if light bulbs are going on, if you're starting to feel a lot, little bit of H or you're thinking wow I cannot wait to implement this in my business, then you're starting to see that this isn't a tactics problem. And that's exactly the work we do inside of the Sales Confidence Studio on the school platform.
[00:28:25] There's seven days. Everybody starts with seven days that we use to build the foundation that makes selling feel like you again.
[00:28:38] It's not a refresh, it's a reset and you can find the link to your 7 day free trial in the notes. Until next time I am GENV scoring. You're closer than you think and this has been Fix this grow fast.
