Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] This episode is for two types of women. The first woman is for someone who worked underneath someone else who made them feel like being yourself or being successful or being authentic was a problem.
[00:00:14] And what you learned how to do inadvertently was to keep yourself small in order to maintain the peace or to get approval or recognition.
[00:00:23] The second woman this is for is. Is the person who picked some stuff up along the way that she didn't actually choose. And it. It actually is stuff about, like, you know, people and their worth and who deserves your time and who actually deserves your belief.
[00:00:43] And I believe she picks it up unconsciously. And so neither of you, by the way, is in trouble. Both of you are in exactly the right place. And we're going to talk about not only is this not your fault, but we're going to talk about why this is so important, especially since my mission is to not only to legitimize network marketing, sales leadership, business models that depend on women coaching other women, but also because as we start to talk through tactics and as you start to get better and better at your messaging, you are going to have an opportunity, let me say you're going to have the privilege of actually leading people and being a leader someone has never, ever had in their life.
[00:01:30] And I don't want you or them to miss out on that glorious experience.
[00:01:38] Welcome back to Sales Confidence Fix this. Grow fast. I am Genevieve Scori. If you heard the last episode, the one about self worth versus self esteem, today's conversation is the exact name next step. So if you haven't heard that podcast yet, I highly recommend that you go back because that is the foundation of everything that we're going to cover today. In that episode, we talked about how Selfworth gets built, and it's through these early experiences, through relationships that taught you what you deserved, through whether the environments you were working through celebrated you for who you are, your full self, or where they quietly required you to make yourself smaller. Today, we're going way deeper and we're going into one specific area that does more damage to self worth than anything else that I've seen in this entire channel. And what I'm talking about is if you have inadvertently been attached to someone who needed to be the star.
[00:02:43] So if you're in sales leadership, chances are very good that you work with or for someone else. And in network marketing in particular, you don't just learn the strategies and scripts from your upline. You don't just learn the business, you actually learn a framework for human value. And this is the part that makes me the craziest. You actually learn, consciously or not, what people are worth, what makes someone worthy of belief, what makes someone worthy of your investment or your time.
[00:03:17] And then what happens when someone actually outgrows you? You learn, consciously or not, what people are worth and what makes someone worthy of your belief and your investment and your time and your praise.
[00:03:31] And if you've been modeling this from a broken leader, a broken system, you actually also absorbed the dysfunction. And I want to be clear, this isn't an episode about blame.
[00:03:44] This is about identifying what you do not know. Because you can't consciously choose a different way to lead when you are unconscious about what you are doing, that you didn't choose to adapt. So let's go. So I want to tell you a little story, and I want you to pay attention to what's going on in your body, because, you know, everything that I talk about has to do about your nervous system.
[00:04:09] And we all know that the nervous system recognizes things far, far ahead of the brain. So I want you to think about a leader that you had in this industry or before it, someone who was above you, your upline, your manager, your mentor, someone you looked up to and wanted to learn from, someone who had something that you wanted.
[00:04:35] Now, I want you to think about what happened when you succeeded or came very close to passing them up. And I don't mean a small win. I mean a real one, one that got attention, one that got broad recognition. Maybe it was an idea, maybe it was a moment. And it. The recognition is clearly focused on you.
[00:05:01] Here's my question.
[00:05:03] What happened when that happened?
[00:05:06] What happened in that relationship?
[00:05:10] Now, if you are fortunate, you were wildly celebrated, fully, clearly, in a very uncomplicated and rewarding way.
[00:05:19] Your leader, your mentor, your boss, they were as excited as you were. And I mean, maybe even more so you understand what good leadership feels like. If that was you, but for others of you, something else happened, something that's, like, hard to name, but absolutely impossible to forget.
[00:05:43] Somehow the relationship shifted, not dramatically, like, nobody said anything wrong.
[00:05:52] The words might have actually been really kind, but underneath there was, like, this cooling, sort of subtle withdrawal of affection. And that's what we're talking about today.
[00:06:05] So the first thing is the way this shows up is something that I call the temperature shift. It's actually not something I call the temperature shift. It's actually talked about quite a bit. This is the signature of narcissistic leadership, and it is the most common form. Most people think that rage is part of the narcissistic leadership pattern. But it's not, it's not rage, it's not cruelty, it's not overt sabotage. That is why it is so incredibly harmful.
[00:06:37] It's just this little withdrawal of affection that everybody learns to read when but nobody actually says out loud.
[00:06:47] And what begins to happen is because you want what they have, because you're dependent upon what they offer, you learn to manage it. You deflect the recognition before it could fully be embraced.
[00:07:01] You redirect the credit, you make the win seem less significant.
[00:07:07] And here's the real kicker. You got so good at it that you actually eventually stop noticing that you were doing it. The next place this shows up is selective celebration.
[00:07:20] So wins get acknowledged in these types of environments and relationships, but never fully. And maybe it's reserved for a small group of people, but the larger group as a whole doesn't get to experience that.
[00:07:34] And the way it shows up is there's always a qualification around the congratulations.
[00:07:41] So it might look like great results.
[00:07:44] Now imagine if you had done it this way or good month, but let's talk about what you're leaving on the table or well done.
[00:07:56] This is exactly what I knew you could do if you had just applied yourself.
[00:08:03] What I want you to notice is the win, the congratulations. It never is about the thing alone. There's always some sort of additional condition applied to it. And over time you absorb that and you start to say things like, yes, but. And I see this in so many high performing women I coach. They have an extraordinary month, they're doing really great things, but they never fully allow themselves to feel the full effect of their accomplishments. The next way this shows up is something we call the scarcity spotlight. In these relationships or environments or team cultures, recognition has some sort of cap.
[00:08:52] So there's only so much of it. And when the light falls on someone else, somehow that means there's not enough for everybody. And when that happens, when it's not safe to be recognized, when the leader, the mentor, the boss, doesn't allow you to fully show up, you make a decision that your shine is a problem.
[00:09:16] Like legitimately, you learn that the full version of you and your success is more than this relationship, this person, this culture can hold. The next way this shows up is something called the authority over belief. Now this might be the most insidious one, if I'm being honest, so I'm going to spend a little more time here.
[00:09:41] In these environments or cultures, the leader decides who has the potential, the leader decides who is coachable, the leader decides who wants it badly enough and who deserves their investment of time and their energy and their belief. And what I want you to see here is that the leader is stating that she holds the authority because she's the judge. She. She's putting the ceiling on every person around her based on her judgment. And the result in the culture is a team that spends an enormous amount of energy trying to be someone that that leader sees as worthy. And what begins to happen if you're under a leader like that is you start to reshape to her standard. You perform to her assessment. You adopt the things even though they don't feel authentic or aligned with you. You begin to adopt the things that will help her give you the verdict that you have what it takes. And can I tell you something? That's not leadership, y'. All.
[00:11:02] That's like self worth based on this contingency that's being handed down by someone, somebody else. And the reason I'm bringing this up is twofold.
[00:11:12] I'm bringing this up because I want you to know you're not imagining it. I see so many leaders who don't have leaders or who have been rejected by their leaders or have shaped themselves to align with a leader that they actually don't subscribe to because it's not safe.
[00:11:34] It's not safe to be who you really are. It's not safe to do something different. And what I want you to know, because this is something that's been told to me repeatedly. Oh, you're so sensitive. I'm not sensitive. I'm just really good at reading the room. And maybe you are too, because I want you to know that nothing is more threatening to a narcissistic leader than someone who is capable of noticing the huge gap between performance and reality. So congratulations. The truth is that you were reading the situation with extraordinary accuracy. And I'm going to say this again.
[00:12:14] Leaders who are able to read the room accurately are huge threats to leaders with low self worth. It's really an emperor has no clothes sort of scenario.
[00:12:27] Because a leader who is narcissistic, who, by the way, is someone with very low self worth, their authority hinges on everyone believing the narrative that they're telling. So here's what I want you to know. This isn't about blame you or them. It's about understanding and bringing things to the conscious that were unconscious before so that we could make better choices. And honestly, I'm not trying to demonize or villainize anyone. What I want you to understand is that it wasn't your fault. That narcissistic leaders don't have too much self worth. They have almost none. Let me say that again.
[00:13:11] Those narcissistic leaders, those really loud people that hoard the spotlight, that spend time delegating who's worthy and who's not, those people don't have too much self worth, despite how they show up. I want you to understand, they do not have too much self worth. They have almost none. And here's the value in understanding this. These people are running on self worth deficiencies because they learned that their worth was conditional and that it had to be earned. And they also learned that it could be lost.
[00:13:51] And so now what they've done is they've protected it the best way they know how. And that's by being needed and that's by making sure that they're always the thing.
[00:14:05] So when you succeeded, when you had an idea that caught fire, when people on the team decided they wanted to hear more from you, well, that felt like a huge threat to them.
[00:14:22] So I want you to know you are never going to allow it to be successful because your success is a mirror that they use about their own inadequacies. And it's not because you were never enough. And it's not because you didn't work hard enough or you didn't perform.
[00:14:39] It's because giving you that approval would have required them to be secure enough in their own worth to celebrate someone else's fully.
[00:14:50] And you guys, they couldn't, they literally couldn't afford to do it.
[00:14:58] So the approval that you were seeking, it wasn't withheld from you, it was literally unavailable to them.
[00:15:07] They couldn't afford to give it to you.
[00:15:10] Before we go further, if today's episode is giving you language or giving you ahas around something that you've actually been carrying around for a long time, I want you to know that there's a next step built especially for people like you.
[00:15:25] The first seven days of the network marketing confidence experience is free.
[00:15:30] And it includes a business evaluation where you get to look at what you're building, how, how you're building it, and your next steps. And it's going to actually help you create the identity that brings the success that you're looking for. It's going to give you confidence, it's going to acknowledge things that have never been acknowledged before. And it's going to help you understand that showing up exactly as you are is 100% enough and how you need to do that more. And I'll give you all the details in the End. So make sure that you stick around because the most important part is still ahead. All right, so where do we go from here?
[00:16:16] We've talked about what it is, why it is, and how it shows up. Now we're going to talk about what you inadvertently have absorbed, and we're going to talk next about how to lay it all down. All right, so this next section, I'm going to tell you, I want you to approach it with openness rather than defensiveness because it might step on your toes a little bit. I'm going to read some phrases to you, phrases honestly, that I have picked up and that I have used. But there are some in particular that every time I hear them, I cringe. And I'm sure you cringe. And now I want you to know why. And these, by the way, are well known phrases that circulate in the network marketing space. And it's kind of sold as wisdom and standards. And, you know, it's about discernment.
[00:17:07] And they sound like strength and authority. And what I want you to do is I want you to think about the ones that sound familiar again, not because you're in trouble, but because you cannot stop doing something that you are unconsciously aware of. All right, the first topic is about people on our team who aren't performing. She just doesn't want it badly enough.
[00:17:34] You can't want it more than they do.
[00:17:37] I can't care more about her business than she does.
[00:17:41] Well, not everyone is coachable.
[00:17:44] She's not coachable.
[00:17:46] She's comfortable being average.
[00:17:49] She's comfortable being an underperformer.
[00:17:52] She's comfortable being where she is.
[00:17:55] I knew when I signed her that she wasn't really serious.
[00:18:00] Now let's talk about the prospects who said no. She couldn't afford to say yes.
[00:18:06] Some people just aren't ready to invest in themselves.
[00:18:09] She chose to stay stuck.
[00:18:11] She'll figure it out eventually, probably the hard way.
[00:18:14] That's fine. It wasn't a fit.
[00:18:18] That's fine. She wasn't a fit for what we're building anyway.
[00:18:22] Now let's think about how we talk in general about people in our community.
[00:18:28] I only work with people who are serious.
[00:18:31] My time is valuable, so I'm not going to beg anyone.
[00:18:35] Winners find a way, losers find an excuse.
[00:18:40] Your why isn't strong enough.
[00:18:44] Her why isn't strong enough.
[00:18:46] You just have to want it more.
[00:18:49] If you're struggling, you need to look at your activity. You need to show up more.
[00:18:54] Mindset is everything. Your thoughts created this.
[00:18:58] Nobody said it would Be easy. Most people just quit. And here's what I want to lovingly point out.
[00:19:07] Every single one of those phrases are things I have said.
[00:19:12] And they're phrases that sound like discernment, it sounds like leadership, it sounds like language, and it sounds like the verbiage that a leader who knows their worth uses.
[00:19:27] But really, each one of these contain a framework that says human value is conditional, that people who struggle choose it, that effort and results determine worth, and that some people simply aren't worth your time.
[00:19:50] And here's the most important thing I want you to hear about that framework.
[00:19:54] It doesn't just affect the people you say it about, it actually affects you too.
[00:20:03] The woman who has a team, who hears you say she just didn't want it bad enough, she's actually quietly taking notes on what that means about her, and especially about her. In a slow month or months, the prospect you've decided couldn't afford to say yes.
[00:20:24] Well, she's learning that your relationship and her worth in your relationship is based on money.
[00:20:31] The teammate you've quietly decided isn't serious. Well, she felt that she's already learning to make herself smaller so that the relationship feels safe. And here's the real damaging part.
[00:20:46] You, on your slow month, on your own hard week, when your result doesn't come, you're actually telling yourself the exact same same thing subconsciously.
[00:21:00] And you're deciding you didn't want it bad enough. You're deciding that your mindset created this.
[00:21:08] You've told yourself that winners find a way and you're not a winner because you haven't found it yet.
[00:21:16] What I want you to understand is that the language that dismisses others becomes the language that, that you end up measuring your own self worth by.
[00:21:29] And here's why I want you to know you didn't choose this. And hopefully by now you're seeing that clearly enough to make a whole different set of choices. I want to encourage you to take on the identity of being the leader she never had.
[00:21:50] I want you to take on the identity of. Of being a leader that is so magnetic that everybody feels appreciated and loved in your space. I want you to consider being a leader that creates a community where people feel seen and valued because of who they are and not because of what they do. Because the more of that that gets out there, the more people you will attract.
[00:22:20] So I want to spend a little time on this one phrase, and I picked this one out in particular because it makes me crazy every time I hear it, because this one phrase does the most quiet damage. And I want you to understand it.
[00:22:37] It's I'm proud of you.
[00:22:40] I'm proud of you.
[00:22:41] I'm proud of her.
[00:22:44] This phrase shows up everywhere. It shows up in recognition posts, it shows up in team calls. It shows up in DMS after someone has created a significant result. And I want you to know that I know that it comes from a place of genuine care and warmth and real celebration.
[00:23:05] And I also want you to know that nobody says it to be harmful.
[00:23:12] Nobody means any harm by saying it.
[00:23:16] But I really want you to understand and I want you to evaluate what's really going on behind that phrase.
[00:23:24] When you say I'm proud of you, you are saying that pride is evaluative. In other words, when you say I'm proud of you, I'm positioning myself as the assessor of the bride.
[00:23:43] I delve it out. I decide.
[00:23:46] I evaluated your performance, I measured it against my high standards, and I have decided that that qualifies. You have earned my approval. Here's the stamp. I'm proud of you. Which means that my approval is the thing that you should seek, that it's the thing at stake that I hold it and delve it out at will, and that you have to perform for my being proud of you.
[00:24:12] So you don't get to own your own pride. It gets passed through me.
[00:24:18] And I want you to think about what that teaches over time in every significant win that's met with I'm proud of you.
[00:24:26] If the leader's pride, right, if the announcement of my pride is the consistent thing that validates your results, the team learns, without anyone saying it, that the goal isn't really the result.
[00:24:44] The goal is the affection of the leader.
[00:24:49] And they stop asking the better question, which is, did I do well?
[00:24:54] And they start asking the question, does she approve and is she proud of me? And what you're inadvertently doing is you are attaching self worth to contingencies, meaning she's not allowed to feel it unless you delve it out.
[00:25:12] And I know you're doing it with the warmest possible language and with the best intentions, but I want you to think about those times where you did something that you knew you should be proud of and you did not get that external validation.
[00:25:29] It limits your team.
[00:25:32] Think about how many years you've spent waiting to hear I'm proud of you from somebody who withheld it from you.
[00:25:43] Think about how many results you earned that never received that validation.
[00:25:48] Think about how much you shaped and softened and performed in pursuit of that Approval and sometimes it came and sometimes it didn't.
[00:26:01] And I got to tell you, for a lot of people that's a wound that's still open and not just for you Leader.
[00:26:10] I want you to understand the impact this has on the real human beings, the real souls that human you have been given the privilege of leading.
[00:26:22] So now you can do one of two things. You can either continue to pass this dysfunction forward, you can be the source of your team's belief in themselves. You can be the source of your team's selfworth. You can be the person whose pride they need to earn because that what was modeled, not because you're being malicious, it's just simply it's the only leadership language you were ever taught. Or you can rise up, you can be the leader that no one has ever had before.
[00:26:57] So if you want to learn how to break this up, if you want to rise up, you're going to start replacing some of this verbiage and you're going to start transferring the authority of self worth from you back to them. Like I literally want you to put your hands out and I want you to pass this authority back to your team.
[00:27:24] So instead of saying I'm proud of you, which positions you as the authority and the judge to you should be so proud of yourself because what you're teaching them is to hold the authority within themselves.
[00:27:39] Say things like look at what you just did and it removes the evaluation entirely.
[00:27:47] You could say things like I knew you had it in you.
[00:27:51] See what you're doing.
[00:27:53] I want you to understand I've made and still do find myself saying these things. And particularly when you are a high performer who's your whole conditioning is let's go like in my head I'm always thinking like that's great, you did great and now let's take another step. But inadvertently what I'm teaching is that you don't get to ever celebrate. You don't ever get to stop basking your self worth. Take it as a win, enjoy who you are today because we must always be running toward the next target.
[00:28:33] So I'm telling you all of this because this is an ongoing everyday thing. This isn't something that you decide today. I want you to give yourself grace, but I do want you to pay some attention to it.
[00:28:48] You want your team to understand that they can assess themselves, that they can internalize a standard of their own rather than waiting for it to be handed down.
[00:29:02] You want your team to grow without your approval.
[00:29:09] The most powerful gift that you can give another woman on your team is to refuse to become the source of their belief in themselves.
[00:29:20] So give them back the authority to own their worth.
[00:29:24] Because the moment you become the source, they can't go anywhere without you. And that's not leadership. That's dependency dressed up as loyalty. So life is full of dysfunctional people. Life is full of people that make decisions unconsciously. And I do truly believe that everyone is doing the best they can with the information they have.
[00:29:50] But I fully recognize that we've all adopted behaviors that we didn't consciously decide to carry forward.
[00:30:00] And the whole point of this episode was for you to become conscious of that inheritance, because that changes everything.
[00:30:10] Because here's what I know to be true. You cannot lead unconsciously.
[00:30:14] Once you've become conscious, when your choices are no longer subconscious and on autopilot and they become deliberate, this is no small thing. This is when you become a leader that attracts a powerful growing culture full of self worth and highesteem leaders that pass on and model the same behavior.
[00:30:42] I've said this before and I will say it again.
[00:30:45] The best part of network marketing is who you become.
[00:30:52] And you have the authority, you have the privilege if you accept it on helping people become folks who will never be the same and create a rippling effect that creates the kind of impact that people look to this channel and and say, why would you ever have a corporate job when you could be a part of network marketing? So here's your homework. I want you to go back and I want you to audit the phrases that you've heard yourself use in the last week. I want you to give yourself forgiveness and I want you to write out what you're going to start saying. Instead.
[00:31:27] I want you to fully celebrate something that was done on your team last month. I mean really call it out, really celebrate it. Name names, no extras, just you all showed up. And in a way that you should all be proud of, you're creating a culture that you can all be proud of. As you start to go back. And so many of you are who are part of the network marketing confidence school, many of you are going back and you're reaching out to leaders and you're saying, if we could do this differently this time, would you want to be a part of it? And so many of you are focusing on the tactics and the anti hustle, which I think is an incredible start.
[00:32:08] But I feel obligated to help you shape your identity, to encourage you to shape your identity into someone completely different.
[00:32:19] So it's not just about the tactics. It's about your self worth. It's about you having higher self esteem. It's about you showing up as the best possible possible leader that someone else can model and have the success that you're all truly working from, that you're all truly looking for. So let me just say a little bit about the Network Marketing Confidence Studio. You have the ability to get in there for seven days for free. What we do in there is we start to reshape your identity by highlighting eight common mistakes that you may have inadvertently picked up unconsciously. We're going to dismantle the things that don't work and we're going to help you create and kickstart a business that looks exactly what you knew you could do in your heart when you first signed up. It's $33 a month for almost a dollar a day. You get to reshape who you are, love what you do, and create an amazing rippling impact month after month after month after month. Your first seven days is a trial period. I would never tell you to sign up just for the first seven days.
[00:33:27] Definitely commit to the first 30. But I want you to know that you've got seven days to get in there and see what I'm talking about as being true. See that it delivers tenfold on the nearly dollar day that you're going to be paying moving forward. The link is in the show notes and I look forward to seeing you there.
[00:33:48] And until then, fix it. Grow fast and improve the lives of more people one conversation at a time.
