Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Take a minute to talk about what happens to high achievers. Even though they are working their little high knees off and they're doing all the things.
[00:00:09] There's typically what I have found, honestly, after coaching thousands of women, being in charge of a sales enablement for really large groups of sales forces.
[00:00:20] So you're showing up regularly and you're doing all the things and I get it, maybe things have slowed down a little bit for you, but you still, if you had like, if you really could have the success for Wave her magic wand, you really would want it to work out. And what I have found, especially in high performing women, is that there's actually still this quiet little voice that's measuring everything that you haven't achieved yet, which blows my mind. I can talk to someone that is actually doing very well and over time they finally start to like, let her out a little bit and they'll let, they'll tell me like, I'm not good enough for this. I don't really know what I'm doing. Because what begins to happen is the no's become louder than the yeses and then they start to do things that backpedal honestly and truly their greatness. So it's like, oh, let's not name the price the way it is. Let's find a way to just keep discounting and, or adding more or over explaining. Let's, let's, let's not really talk about what we really, really want. Let's like make it sound, you know, measured and by all means, I should wait until I'm more ready.
[00:01:43] If there was one thing I could tell you today, it is that that voice isn't yours. That voice isn't real. But that voice has been running things subconsciously. And today we're going to talk about where that voice comes from and we're going to figure out how to let it stop running your show.
[00:02:04] So welcome to the sales Confidence Fix this Grow Fast podcast. My name is Jen Viv Scor and I wanted to start with this conversation reframe because it is it honestly, it's quietly, quietly keeping so many women back that it's time to name it, it's time to talk about it, and it's time to let her go. We talk about self worth all the time in this space. We tell people like, oh, do vision boards. There's whole companies that do vision boards. There's people that do workshops around vision boards. People are really into affirmations as if you, you can change your worth simply by saying things every single day.
[00:02:49] But here's what nobody's actually saying that most of us don't have a self worth problem.
[00:02:57] We have a sneaky little hidden self esteem problem that we've been calling self worth, right? Because we say things like, charge what you're worth, but that's really not what the problem is.
[00:03:10] And self worth and self esteem are not the same things at all.
[00:03:17] So let's get into it. Self esteem is a judgment that you are making about yourself based on the evidence you're seeing in real time. So in other words, self esteem is conditional. It's how you feel about yourself based on what's happening. So, so the results you're getting, like the rank, your sales numbers, your team's activity, whether this month is better than last month, it's comparison. Like, how in the world is that person doing better than me? It's this desire for approval. Do you like me? Did they like me? Did I do okay? How am I doing?
[00:04:01] And it's also performance.
[00:04:03] It's all of those things, things that we have to kind of. We use actually from a self esteem standpoint. We use it as judgment. We use it as judgment. And it's a trap, y'. All. It's a trap. Self esteem is a trap because things are always changing.
[00:04:26] It's a trap because there is no persistent. Every month, every day, we win, win, win, uphill, uphill, uphill. Like, you know, better, better, better. Like that just isn't life or business. There's no direct line to the top. It, it es and it flows.
[00:04:48] Now, self esteem goes up when you close the sale and it goes down when you don't.
[00:04:57] So in e, it becomes a bit of, of a scoreboard.
[00:05:02] And scoreboards change and scoreboards move.
[00:05:08] As a matter of fact, if I had to actually name would be a value verdict. In other words, your self esteem makes a conclusion about your value based on what you're doing.
[00:05:30] That blows my mind when you think about that. When you think about that mechanism going on in your head day after day after day, you can see how we kind of have this roller coaster thing emotionally based on what's going on in our business. And obviously the same holds true for your life. Self worth, on the other hand, is completely different.
[00:05:55] Self worth is unconditional belief that you have value regardless of what the scoreboard says.
[00:06:03] It doesn't go up when you hit a rank and it doesn't go down when your best teammate quits or joins somebody else's business.
[00:06:10] It doesn't require you to behave in a particular way. Or have a result in a particular way in order for self worth to stay intact.
[00:06:21] So if self esteem is a conclusion or a verdict, self worth is a premise, it's a starting point, it's never a conclusion. So here's the thing that will hit you if you let it. Most high achieving women in this industry have very high self esteem. I want you to think about this. They have very high self esteem and very shaky self worth because they've spent years building their entire sense of value around being good at things.
[00:06:57] So if you think about it, a high achiever, right? She's achieved a lot of things.
[00:07:02] She's going to have high self esteem because remember, self esteem is based on evidence. So if I'm checking the boxes and I'm winning the things and I'm getting the promotions and I'm rank advancing and I'm making more money, I I'm going to have high self esteem.
[00:07:20] It's based on performing and high achieving women because they've spent their entire years building their sense of value by being good at things.
[00:07:33] Actually struggle when there's a slow month, when the team falls apart, when the leader who feels like your success is a problem raises her little ugly head. The research on this is actually pretty sound. There's a psychologist named Jennifer Crocker who spent years studying what happens to women who tie their value to achievement. And what she said is very interesting.
[00:08:02] She found that these high performing women actually perform worse under pressure. So you would think, oh my gosh, high performer, we should pick her, that should be the person, she can handle the pressure. What her study is saying is that the opposite is true. I'm talking to you, high performer, the kind of person that listens to a podcast to get better results. I want you to know that your performance under pressure, understandably is actually going to get worse the more pressure you feel. And here's what you need to understand.
[00:08:37] It's not because the stakes are aren't professional anymore.
[00:08:42] Like you know, you've been a pro before, you've been a professional woman who made the money.
[00:08:47] A bad month isn't just a bad month to a high performer.
[00:08:52] Actually what's going on inside your head is that you're being told by your own little voice that you're not enough.
[00:09:02] So the weight, the weight of not achieving actually freezes high performing women and that's when they start to shrink a little bit. That's when they start to over explain. That's when they start to add things to sales, make discounts before anybody has ever asked for it.
[00:09:24] Because they're not just losing a sale, they're protecting their sense of self. Worth. Worth.
[00:09:34] So it's not a matter of I don't want to buy from you. It's a matter of I'm not enough and that equals danger. I really want you to understand this, especially for yourself and also if you're a leader for your team. And speaking of that, before we go any further, I want to ask you to do this one thing. Listen to this episode multiple times and from different angles. You know me, I've said religiously you should listen to something seven times in order to really get it in you.
[00:10:06] But I want you to listen to it from the standpoint of yourself. So I want you to listen right now for the first time as a high performer. And I want you to ask yourself, does this feel true for me personally? Listen for where you recognize part of your own story. Listen for places where you've been shaped by environments that you needed to be smaller than you actually are and let yourself feel it the second time. Friends, I want you to listen as a leader because if you're listening to this podcast, you either have a team or desire to have a team, you want to create a big impact or you are creating a big impact. And because everything I'm about to describe about how your environment shaped you, and hear me when I say this, you now hold the power to either repeat or rewrite for the women on your team.
[00:11:08] Now, I'm going to say more about that at the end, but I want you to carry that awareness with you through everything we are about to cover.
[00:11:17] So let's go. There's three particular moments in time that this shows up for high performing women.
[00:11:24] And you know one of them really well, you've had a conversation. You're going to now have to name the price. Now notice I said have to name the price.
[00:11:34] And before you even name the price, you're hesitating, you're not sure how to tell somebody that this is what it costs to get involved. And then you begin to either add bonuses that nobody asked for, you begin to discount the price that nobody asked you to do it, or you go down the path of like, let me sort of, kind of tell you how this works. And there's like an apology to how you are describing how to take a next step.
[00:12:03] And what, what I want you to understand here is I see this all the time. I've worked for businesses where the company offers a first time discount. And on top of that first time discount Salespeople are taught to discount it even more or add something to it. So on top of getting in and getting a discounted price for maybe being a VIP or preferred customer and on top of getting an extra discount because you're the first time buyer, on top of that, there is a need in this whole entire women selling force where it's like, oh, you should, you should do more. You should absolutely do more. I'm telling you, this is a self esteem thing and it starts at the top.
[00:12:51] Nobody asked for the dang discount. The objection was entirely in your head and you preloaded it.
[00:12:59] Now when it's come back around to listen to this, as a leader, I want you to think about the message you're sending your team when you're teaching them you have to sell from a place of discounting. And when you do that, I want you to think about this one question.
[00:13:15] What did you just decide about yourself in that moment?
[00:13:19] Because what you told your nervous system without actually naming it and without realizing is I'm not sure this is worth the price. So let me make it easier for you to say yes.
[00:13:36] And a lot of times people want to reframe this kind of conversation as a skill gap. So what ends up happening is they'll teach you better objection handling better closing techniques. Here's another script you can try. Copy and paste this as if the shrinking is going to stop, but it won't. Because the shrinking isn't happening in your sales training. It's happening in your identity. When your Selfworth is running at a deficit, the full price feels dangerous.
[00:14:05] When your Selfworth is running at a deficit, asking people to join your team also feels dangerous, not uncomfortable. Y' all dangerous.
[00:14:19] Because if you were to ask for the full amount, if you were to ask her to join your team and she says no, that doesn't just mean right now to you, it means you weren't worth it.
[00:14:37] And honestly, y' all not feeling worth it isn't survivable when your value is contingent on the results.
[00:14:46] So the body protects itself, the brain protects itself, the heart protects itself, and it softens the ass before the rejection can happen. And you guys, that's not a weakness. That's like a sophisticated survival system doing exactly what it was designed to do. The problem is it's protecting you from a threat that doesn't really exist.
[00:15:07] So what do you do? I want you to think about the last time you struggled to name your price or the last time you struggled to invite somebody to your opportunity. And I want you to answer Three questions. Did I add anything after I said the number? Well, let's back up. Did you actually even say the number? Because what I see over and over again is people don't say the number. It's like, oh, I'll send you a link. And the link has the number in it. We are too afraid to actually say the number out loud. Ask yourself this question.
[00:15:42] Did you explain why before anybody asked you why did your body flinch? Did you hard swallow? Were your palms sweaty? And if the answer is yes to any of those, that's yourself worth signaling. It's not you guys, it's not a judgment. We all have this problem.
[00:16:01] But what I want you to realize is that this is data.
[00:16:05] And the data tells you where you actually have to start doing the work. Because you can go through all the courses, contend all the conventions, do all the things get on the your own calls, but if you're not fixing the nervous system reaction, the body will continue to struggle with this. You will continue to struggle, it, you'll avoid it, you will shrink. And the answer, by the way, isn't arrogance or aggression. It's just literally practicing out loud so that your nervous system stops registering it as a threat. And until your body learns, you guys, through repetition, through evidence that like you didn't die, that you can say the number, that you can invite people to the opportunity. And you can also, by the way, hold the silence. Because silence is the other place that people are like, well, nobody's talking so I must fill this space, right?
[00:17:06] That all these things can happen and you will still be standing on the other side.
[00:17:11] Here's what I want you to remember, and I mean this with all sincerity. The right person doesn't need you to make it easier.
[00:17:18] I'm going to say that again. The right person doesn't need you to make it easier. She actually needs you to believe it's worth it. And here's the other thing. From a leadership perspective, your team is watching how you price.
[00:17:32] Your team is watching how you say it. Your team is watching how you train them. And oddly on teams where there are issues like this, the entire team does not know how to tell somebody with their out loud voice what the price is. They're learning from you in real time when what they should believe or not believe and when you soften the number, when you over explain before you need to, when you discount, before anyone asks for a discount, your team is noticing, okay, that's what we need to do. Now. It's not a conscious thing, but remember our nervous systems Co regulate.
[00:18:14] That means we take on the feelings of the nervous systems of the people around us.
[00:18:20] That's why when you're around really energetic and lovely human beings, you feel really good being around them. And that's also why when you're around people who are cranky or angry or upset, even though they don't tell you, you start to feel the same. So basically, your team is learning what their standards are. They're learning what the baseline is, and they are learning from you. So your self worth is modeling permission for theirs. The other place this shows up is women tend to apologize for their ambition. And I'm telling you, I had a conversation with a friend of mine and you know, she. She actually was like, I need to get on your podcast because if I talk to one more woman that doesn't understand her worth, that doesn't know how to talk about her worth, I'm going to lose my mind. And I see this all the time. I actually saw it today when somebody told me what their goals were for the business.
[00:19:18] It's really interesting to me. I want you to answer this question. When was the last time you actually shared your real goal? And I mean like your real goal. Let's say the success fairy showed up one day in your office and they're like, hey, listen, got a little extra time on my hands. Tell me what you really, really, really, really, really, really want, I can make it happen, no problem.
[00:19:44] What do you really want?
[00:19:46] How big are you actually really willing to share your goals? Like, how big are your goals really when you feel uninhibited?
[00:19:57] Not the edited version, not the I want to help other people version. Not the I want to create an impact version. But what's the number? What does the life really look like? If you weren't worried that people were going to judge you, say you were greedy, say you are overly ambitious, or say that you were crazy. When is the last time you got real about your goal? Now, I'm not saying like, oh my gosh, you know, in the next 30 days you would achieve this thing. But I do know for sure that most women struggle with this.
[00:20:33] And they struggle and it creates like a pulling back from them.
[00:20:39] And this is where people start to feel like, I don't want to seem arrogant, which by the way, is the number one answer. And I want to go somewhere with you today that most people won't go because I think that voice didn't originate inside of you.
[00:20:58] I think it was put there. So I'm going to tell you something that I haven't actually talked about much publicly because I think some of you are going to hear this, and I'm going to finally give some language around something that you've been living with and maybe haven't been able to name. In my past, I have worked underneath a boss who had the need to be the star. Now, not metaphorically, I mean, literally, when I succeeded, they got really quiet in a way that felt a little bit like a warning.
[00:21:30] When people would ask to take my photo or people would give me a standing ovation, or people would come up to me after a talk or after a project or after anything that I did and compliment me on it, when my ideas were the ones that landed, got traction, created results.
[00:21:53] I could feel, like, his coldness every single time. And over time, without a single direct conversation, without anyone ever saying any of the words out loud, I learned how to manage it.
[00:22:11] And what was really interesting, you guys, was that someone very close to this person actually pulled me aside one time as I was coming off of stage and said, hey, I just want to tell you about something.
[00:22:25] I have seen this before. And basically what they did was they warned me that I was out shining my boss.
[00:22:33] So.
[00:22:34] And then, by the way, it didn't end well for that person was the story that was the end of the story. Hey, by the way, it didn't really end well for them.
[00:22:43] So I learned how to manage it. I started deflecting compliments before people could actually fully give them. And I would redirect the credit and I would be like, oh, it's a team thing. The team did it. It was a great team thing. It was all the team. Oh, it's not me, it's them. Like, I was never allowed to fully embrace the results that I was creating, the results that I worked hard to create, the results that I was up till 3am creating the results that I spent decades learning how to perfect. And what I began to do was learn how to make my light a little dimmer so that theirs could feel brighter.
[00:23:26] And I honestly told myself that this was humility, you guys. It wasn't humility. It was survival. And here's what took me way too long to understand that adaptation didn't stay in the office when I left.
[00:23:42] It actually came with me in every room and every conversation that I walked into after that.
[00:23:50] I had conditioned myself to dumb down my goals, to dumb down my worth, and how I would respond to genuine compliments.
[00:23:59] I had picked up someone else's insecurity and was carrying it like it belonged to to me. I'm going to say that again.
[00:24:10] I had picked up someone else's insecurity and was carrying it like it belonged to me.
[00:24:18] I was enforcing their ceiling on myself long after this person had any authority over me. Now some of you know exactly what I'm talking about. Maybe it wasn't a corporate boss. Maybe it was an upline who celebrated the team like just enough, who shared results selectively, who made the spotlight feel like it only had room for one person, and who quietly, consistently made sure that that one person was never going to be you.
[00:24:52] Maybe it was a parent who called your ambition attitude, a spouse who got quieter as you got more successful.
[00:25:00] Maybe you're from a culture that taught you women who want too much are difficult to love. Whatever the source, you learned the same lesson.
[00:25:09] That your shine, that your brilliance is a real problem.
[00:25:14] And here's what I need you to hear clearly.
[00:25:17] Honey, that was never true. What was true is that you were an environment that couldn't hold the size of your brilliance, the size of your energy, the size of your dreams. And you did what any intelligent, adaptive human does.
[00:25:40] You made yourself fit into that small space.
[00:25:46] And I want you to know that's not a weakness.
[00:25:49] This is you being smart in a situation that required it. So we all get that. But here's where it comes at a cost.
[00:25:58] When your environment changes, when you're not in that office, when that leader isn't working for you anymore, when you're not with that upline like, right, that relationship that required you to be small doesn't even exist anymore.
[00:26:10] Your adaptation sticks around.
[00:26:14] In essence, you're shrinking in a room that no longer requires it. You're still apologizing for your ambition and waiting for permission for someone who no longer is even around.
[00:26:26] This is not your self worth talking. This is not your standard.
[00:26:31] This is not your conclusion.
[00:26:34] That's someone else's insecurity that got handed to you and you never gave it back. And here's the truth about ambition that nobody in this industry actually clearly says. You cannot lead a team to a result that you're ashamed to want for yourself.
[00:26:52] When you've quietly decided that your real goal is too much, too bold, too visible, too greedy, too ambitious.
[00:27:01] Your team feels it too.
[00:27:03] Not because you told them. Because people don't follow your words, y'. All. They follow your permission.
[00:27:11] They follow what you model as okay to want.
[00:27:16] So when you shrink your goal, you shrink their ceiling too. It was never just about you.
[00:27:23] It never is just about you. The permission you've been waiting for is not going to ever come from the outside.
[00:27:31] It's not going to come from a leader. It's not going to come from an upline. It's not going to come from a spouse. It's not going to come from me.
[00:27:39] It gets claimed by you quietly, specifically, and you're going to claim it today.
[00:27:50] And I want to pause here and speak directly to the leader in you.
[00:27:54] I just described my boss in detail. The temperature shift, the redirected applause, the celebration I was never allowed to have. Being in an environment that only had room for one star. And they made sure that I knew it wasn't me. I share that story with you not just so that you feel seen in your own experience.
[00:28:19] I share it with you because some of you are now the leader in someone else's story. I know you want your team to grow and succeed. I know that you say things like, I believe in you and I know your instinct is to say, that's not me.
[00:28:36] But we all have blind spots.
[00:28:39] I'm telling you, if you were to talk to my former boss, they would have no idea. They would categorically deny ever trying to make me feel small.
[00:28:54] So what I want you to know is that it's not intentional, it's not malicious. But you've seen it, right? When someone else gets recognition, when the leader shares and selectively calls out some people and not others, when the leader makes it feel like the spotlight is scarce without ever saying a single word, she's actually that same leader. Now, I share this story with you because I want you to understand you're now the leader in someone else's story. I haven't always been a great leader. I'm not going to lie.
[00:29:27] And I, I and I want you to know, like, it's not intentional, it's not malicious. I think every leader will say, I want my team to grow and succeed. And I really do believe in them. But what most people don't understand is that they have blind spots. Some of this is unconscious. I think if you talk to that former boss of mine, they would categorically deny it. They would say things like, no, are you kidding me? I set them. I set her up for success. Oh, no, I'm the one that put her on the stage. Oh, no, I'm the one that did this. I'm the one. I'm the one. This was about my decision. I never, ever made that person feel small.
[00:30:07] But we all have these tendencies. I want you to think about the leader who recognizes people selectively.
[00:30:14] The Leader who makes recognition scarce, the leader who thinks of herself as the motivator and the mentor and thinks like I'm building something and I need to protect it. And therefore that's why I do things the way I do. But what I want you to know is that your team is learning every step of the way what they're allowed to feel and not feel, what they're allowed to feel proud about and what they're not allowed to feel proud about. This is why you need to have recognition strategies.
[00:30:48] This is why we need to avoid terms like not worth my time.
[00:30:53] She didn't want it bad enough, why isn't she? Her why isn't strong enough. Or you need to work on your mindset. You get to decide where your story ends and how people look at you as a leader. Choose wisely. Now, before we keep going, I want to give you a quick word about something I've built specifically for moments like this. For leaders who want to know how can I get better at systems and how, how can I improve how I am showing up. It's a whole program that, that includes personal business evaluations and I mean actually looking at what you're building to give you individual feedback. Not a template, but a community and actual real coaching on not only your business, but how to show up with an identity that is going to grow. And we'll talk a little bit about that at the end. So stay with me.
[00:31:47] Now the last way that people tend to to show that they have a self worth problem is they're still waiting to feel ready.
[00:31:58] And this isn't something that just happens at the beginning.
[00:32:01] You don't just wait to feel ready at the beginning. It happens at almost every next stage of your business.
[00:32:07] Let me tell you this. Readiness is one of the most socially acceptable ways to stay stuck. Because it looks like wisdom and responsibility and it doesn't look like fear.
[00:32:20] And I just want to make sure I'm ready. Have you ever said that? Or I just want to make sure I do it right. I don't want to over promise when I do something. I want to make sure I do it right. Have you ever heard yourself say those things? All of those things sound so reasonable and so mature. But here's what's happening underneath. Your self esteem is contingent on performance.
[00:32:39] When your sense of value rises and falls based on your results, then taking a leap before you feel ready is not only risking failure, but remember it's risking your identity if it doesn't work. The conclusion isn't that it didn't Work. The conclusion is, say it with me. I am not enough. And that feels really unbearable to most people. This is why I want you to know so many people get in the business and within their first 30 days, they experience this.
[00:33:12] They're not ghosting you because their why isn't big enough. They're not doing it because they don't really want it.
[00:33:20] They have come to a point in their journey where something didn't work and they assigned themselves the verdict of, you're not good enough.
[00:33:32] So it's protection, y'. All. That's why your onboarding and your support is so important.
[00:33:40] And I can tell you this.
[00:33:42] Every high performer that I've ever coached had to do the next scary thing before they felt ready. Every single one. Because what they finally figured out somewhere along the lines was that they were never going to feel ready until they actually took the next step. So when this comes to the business opportunity, I want you to know this.
[00:34:05] You're never going to feel ready. And if you wait until you feel ready, those notes you take, the courses you're taking, if you never practice and find out that you didn't die when someone said no, if you don't have a support system, and as a leader, if you are not providing safe places for people to land without judgment, you will never have a recruiting team. Readiness is always built by doing, not by learning. And it doesn't happen before. And here's what I want you to know. The woman who's always waiting to feel ready often learns somewhere along the lines that her mistakes were unsurvivable, that there wasn't enough grace in her environment for her to get it wrong and still be loved, still have approval, that the cost of being seen before she finished and was ready was way too risky. And if that's you, I want you to hear this. You're allowed to be working on yourself.
[00:35:12] You're allowed to be seen before you're completely perfect and ready. And you're allowed to take that leap before the outcome is guaranteed. And that is self worth in action. And this is what I want you to know as a leader. Your team is always watching.
[00:35:33] So when you're constantly saying, we're not ready, I'm not ready. This has to be ready. I mean, the best thing that's music to my ears when I coach people is we're doing it. It's not perfect, but we're fixing it as we go. And I'm always like, bravo.
[00:35:50] Because that's how it gets done.
[00:35:52] So when you wait, your team learns to wait.
[00:35:55] Readiness is absolutely contagious. But so is the lack of it. The most powerful thing you can do for your team is take the next leap before you feel ready. Take the next leap before they feel ready, and let them watch you do it.
[00:36:14] This is one of the reasons, and I will die on this hill.
[00:36:18] This is one of the reasons I say. A leader never stops recruiting. Ever. I don't care if you're 20 leaders wide, as long as you have people looking to you to lead their team. You never stop recruiting.
[00:36:33] You never stop working your business.
[00:36:36] Now you have the flexibility to manage it in a way that is scalable. A hundred percent. That's what you want to do.
[00:36:45] But when you stop building leaders, your team thinks they should stop building leaders too.
[00:36:52] So here's where we are.
[00:36:54] There are three places that your self esteem goes quiet when you shrink. Your ask, you apologize for being ambitious and you start to wait.
[00:37:03] These are the symptoms and they're all rooted in self esteem. And the root of this doesn't get fixed with a better morning routine, a louder affirmation, or a better vision board. You simply cannot think your way into more self esteem and self worth. Affirmations do not fail because the words are wrong, but because it's aimed at the wrong level. They're trying to get the rational brain to override a belief that lives internally in your identity. In the years of accumulated evidence about what you actually deserve, you actually can't out think a feeling about what you deserve. And here's the piece that I think explains everything, including the narcissistic boss story, the narcissistic upline, the narcissistic sideline, the narcissistic spouse, right? This is why so many women resonate with this.
[00:38:05] Self worth isn't something you were born with or without.
[00:38:09] It's constructed and it's built through your experiences.
[00:38:15] Through whether you were seen accurately and warmly as a child.
[00:38:20] Through whether ambition was celebrated or managed in your home. How failure was treated as information, or if it was treated as evidence of inadequacy.
[00:38:33] Through whether the adults in your world needed you to stay small so that they could feel big.
[00:38:41] Self worth is built through experience and relationship.
[00:38:46] But that also means it can be rebuilt the same way.
[00:38:51] Not through thinking, through doing.
[00:38:54] Through accumulating new evidence that contradicts your old story.
[00:39:00] And I think I've mentioned this to you all before, that I actually have a file that I keep that's evidence that things are working.
[00:39:09] And every time, no matter how small or how big, something good happens. In my life.
[00:39:16] I copy it and I throw it in this file.
[00:39:20] Evidence that things are working, evidence that I am enough.
[00:39:26] So I want you to just practice this one thing. What I want you to do is I want you to notice the times where you feel like something didn't go the way you expected it to. And ask yourself the question, what did I just decide about myself?
[00:39:41] And if you're coaching with me, I'm going to start asking you that question too.
[00:39:47] So get prepared for it. I'm going to want to know, so in that moment, what did you decide about yourself? Because that question is going to create the needed distance between the event and the identity conclusion you drew from it.
[00:40:03] That distance, that small honest pause, is where your self worth actually gets rebuilt.
[00:40:12] It's in those small moments where you slow down, you take a breath and you see yourself clearly. These aren't just personal practices, y'. All. These are leadership practices. Because a leader who's done the work, who knows the difference between her self esteem and her self worth, who has stopped running on someone else's insecurity, who has built a record of her own successes and her own character that doesn't collapse every time the month is wonky.
[00:40:46] That leader doesn't need her team to stay small so that she can feel secure.
[00:40:51] Here's what I want you to know.
[00:40:53] You have the opportunity to become the environment that gives someone else permission to be fully seen. And that's a rare thing.
[00:41:02] You have the opportunity to become the leader that somebody like me needed all those years ago.
[00:41:10] And can I tell you, that changes everything.
[00:41:14] This is real impact.
[00:41:17] This is what every woman is watching for. So let me bring this full circle.
[00:41:23] Self worth is not something that you were born with or without.
[00:41:27] It's built in your early experiences where you were taught what you deserved in the relationships that showed you what was safe to want in the environments that either held your full size, personality and energy or quietly required you to make yourself smaller. And somewhere along the way, honestly, most of us collected evidence in the wrong direction. We learned that the full ask, what we really wanted was too much. We learned that we had to qualify what we wanted and that we had to be ready instead of taking leaps. What you've built up until this point probably isn't even true about yourself.
[00:42:12] It was true about the environment that shaped you.
[00:42:16] But now you get to rebuild your self worth and you get to rebuild it one experience at a time until that new evidence finally outweighs those old recordings.
[00:42:31] You are building a new record.
[00:42:34] You are building A new scorecard. You are building a new standard out of who you actually are, not your past.
[00:42:45] Now, I asked you at the beginning of the episode to listen to this twice. If you're on the first listen, I hope you felt seen today. I hope something here gave you language for something that you've been living with without naming it. And I hope you'll come back for the second listen because I promise you the second time you're going to hear it differently. And then I want you to hear it as the leader that you are. You'll see the places where you have the power to rewrite this story, not just for yourself, but for every woman watching you lead. The damage doesn't have to travel forward for you, for your family, or for your team. It can stop here with you in a decision to make this week about how you show up for yourself and for your team. The seven day sales transformation is a free seven day course inside of my paid community.
[00:43:42] You have seven days to decide if there's enough value here. And there is that this is different, that we are building a community, coaching and systems in a way that aligns with who you are, that creates a leader whose identity is magnetic, inspiring and impactful on purpose.
[00:44:08] We have real conversations there like this about where we are, where we want to go and what we're going to do to get there.
[00:44:17] Your first step is just to click the link in the show notes. And here's what I want to leave you with. The version of you that's been waiting for permission.
[00:44:26] The version of you that's been shrinking a little bit.
[00:44:29] I want you to know that you're not too much, that you're not too late, that you're not too damaged by what someone else needed you to be.
[00:44:43] You've just been protecting yourself with the wrong armor and you don't need to do that anymore. Lay it down. Because you don't need it. And neither do the women on your team who've been watching you.
[00:44:57] Join us for the next episode because we're going to talk more specifically about narcissistic leaders, narcissistic bosses and narcissistic uplines and how those people have inadvertently impacted you. How you can learn from their lessons and how you can detox from some things that you subconsciously picked up that you don't even know that you're doing.
[00:45:21] Until then, just be you.
[00:45:25] You are enough.
[00:45:27] And my only motivation is your success.
